I had another one of those dreams last night; vivid, but tender.
They have all been recent but I can’t write about them here. Somehow it wouldn’t be right. But I know the cause of them so there is no real need for analysis.
It really started after I met my friend C here a couple of weeks back. He said the film was fine; except for one thing. The producer had said they really needed me to talk about A. I had previously refused saying that that is the one thing I could never talk about. I had said all I was prepared to in my book. He said he had told her that, but she had said it was really an essential part of the script.
I had still refused but he said maybe I could I tell him privately. He would still write it into the script for me to see but I had his word that I could change it or he would delete it all if necessary. Well, I knew I could trust C (one of the few people left that I can anymore) but it was also so difficult to talk about; indeed. I didn’t even want to remember.
It was so difficult because he didn’t just want to know about my vision of her on the Hampstead lake (well, that is in the book) but details of my relationship with her; our life together, why we never got married. And how she died all those years ago.
So I told him. But in doing so it seems to have unlocked a deep channel which released everything back to the surface. I know that this is what is causing the regular dreams. It is not really that I want any escape from them, but some, by their intensity, are so painful. She was the only person that I ever really loved.
The words with which I concluded my book, and which I wrote in that dreary prison, still come flooding back come flooding back to me . . . “Oh, how I loved that Child of Fate. But how much more were my feelings now being corrupted by pangs of hate” . . .
Its raining outside, just like it was raining in some of the dreams as well . . .
D
‘Open Secret’
March 5, 2009
1 Comment
Making great progress with the next book. Its well over two thirds completed now and looks as if it will meet the late Spring schedule.
3 Responses
Hi David,
I always sensed that you have been troubled by that period of your life. Without wishing to be intrusive, is this something you intend to expand on in your new book. The old adage of confession bringing comfort springs to mind.
Your’s for now,
le comte
Hi Le Comte,
Your name sounds familiar. Haven’t we met somewhere before.?! Namely in 2002 when you challenged a certain person to a duel on a cliff-top with sabres! I’m sure it was you – never mind!
To answer your question, there is to be one new book bring events on the Highgate case (and myself) ‘slap bang up to date and provisionally been titled “Pact with the Devil”.
The other is to be a revised volume of “Dark Secrets” and “Shadows in the Night” putting these two titles into one volume. I believe it is the material in “Dark Secrets” concerning ‘A’ that you are asking about.
The answer is that I won’t be adding anything significantly more about her. There is no need to. That is really a deep part of my life which I don’t feel should be made public. You must know how these things can be distorted and twisted; and I care to much for her memory to allow that to happen.
So, I hope that answers your question.
Nice to see you back . . . If its you, that is!
David
Hi David,
What a beautiful story, and even more poignant that it happens to be true. One never forgets one’s ‘true love’, and ’tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.’ (Shakespeare.) I will not forget the one person whom I really loved either. Happy memories of what might have been…..but sometimes true love comes around again.
Living with the death of your true love, together with the awful circumstances of the memory, and the place of memory must have been a real test of your spirit, which you have passed with ‘flying colours.’
Be at peace with yourself, dear friend. Your love would want that for you.