Strange experience today; well, not so much ‘strange’ but one of those that sticks in your mind.
Walking around the clustered streets (slowly), I passed a girl who I had long since thought had left the area. Our eyes quickly met in passing; but it wasn’t a casual look, but one of silent recognition. She smiled and was gone; but then the old feelings came flooding back as if re-vitalised by the brief meeting.
She had worked in a bank in Muswell Hill a few years before, and I had continually made a point of going in there as an excuse to see her. My visits were often unnecessary (and I think she realised this) although I always had no other ‘excuse’ but to pay in money. Usually it was only five pounds, but sometimes I used to do this every day and she must have wondered why I didn’t just pay in just twenty five pounds on one day in the week all at once!
But the point is, I only visited that particular bank as an excuse to see her. She was very shy, and it took me a few weeks to find the courage to ask her name. But I was fascinated by her gentle shyness; indeed, this only added to my attraction for her. She was only young and exceptionally ‘plain‘(in the sense she didn’t decorate herself with make up), but so very beautiful. Not just physical beauty (that doesn’t really matter), but also an inward one which was the main part of the attraction.
I thought about her often over two years or so, but her memory had slowly (very slowly) died after she suddenly left the bank.
And now I had suddenly seen her again, and this started up the old thoughts. Kind of distracting in the midst of so much other turmoil. Yet in a funny sort of way, a sort of ‘invigorating distraction’.
I was thinking about this again earlier. Just what IS it that attracts one human being to another? It is a feeling that is ’there’, obviously, but what is it that actually brings this feeling into being? I have a pretty good idea on this, but I’m not going to answer my own question here.
In her case (as applied to myself) I sensed she was just as much a part of this feeling as I was.
In my case, I can only say that the feeling was not sexual (well, all right, that feeling was there but it was only secondary, very secondary), but more motivated by an ’unsought attraction’ – albeit that this developed by itself shortly afterwards.
Then all of a sudden, she was lost in the crowds. Wish I was more extrovert sometimes, as I might have made an effort to stop her. Well, there’s always tomorrow . . . Maybe.