Just a quick Blog: well: it is 3.11 am as I start to write this.
Life is so strange, sometimes. Going through some stuff tonight, looking as usual, and I pulled a drawer too quickly, and the contents just scattered at my feet.. Putting them back, I saw this hand-written letter, and it made me wonder – or think. I thought, why is it that I have never really been able to love anybody except ‘A’. (That was just a question to myself – I don’t expect anyone to answer).
The letter read: “David, You’ve been successful at last – after struggling for a year. You are free now, I feel forced to leave you. You need no longer have to be bothered about my feelings or ‘trying’ to feel yourself.
You were right last weekend, it won’t work. I will contact my parents and get them to cancel any wedding arrangements that already have been made.
You may think that this is a horrible way to say goodbye – just leaving – and I agree, but I cannot stand the pain and hurt if we went through another time like last weekend.
I don’t want to leave you but you are impossible to get to and I would get destroyed in the end.
Our marriage is not possible (do you see the ridiculous hope I still have) now. Is any relationship at all possible? That remains to be seen.
PS Wouldn’t it have been better not to have given me hope than letting me love you only to make it impossible? I still love you”.
Life can be so strange sometimes. In fact, I only published this at all because it fell out of some long-lost drawer. But I guess it makes some point: I have never been able to respond to some relationships properly. I have never hated anybody, but sometimes just can’t love them at the same time – if that makes sense.
I think it all goes back to that bleak winter if 1965: She died, and took my love with her. Its still here: but sometimes very difficult to share with anybody else. Hence ‘N’s’ letter..
Well, I suppose I’d better try to embrace some sleep now. Busy day tomorrow!